An Interview with Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton (fake interview)

On 10 April 2008, Salty Sam caught up with Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton. Well, not really...the whole interview was fabricated but here it is anyway.

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Salty Sam: Midn Captain Singleton or may I call you Zerbin or Zerb?


BC: Midn Captain Singleton is fine.


Salty Sam: OK. So congratulations on another great season, then being named Brigade Commander, then getting all those awards, and finally for just being a plain old bad @ss.


BC: Ummm, thanks Salty.


Salty Sam: Have you heard of Salty Sam before?


BC: No, but my company officer said that you existed a long time ago...like in the 1990s.


Salty Sam: You are correct sir. FYI, Salty Sam is basically the school rumor guy and a general pain in the "air force".


BC: Oh great.


Salty Sam: Let's get started. Have you seen Coach Johnson in his Georgia Tech duds yet?


BC: No I've been kind of busy these days.


Salty Sam: He kind of looks like Charlie Brown with all that yellow on.


BC: No comment Salty.


Salty Sam: "No comment" is technically a comment.


BC: Well, I'd like to think of Coach as a big bee that can sting. He's still a legend around here.


Salty Sam: Fair enough. How awesome was it to beat Notre Dame?


BC: Amazing. I can't put it into words.


Salty Sam: Did you think of shooting anyone when the refs called that bogus pass interference penalty before we won?


BC: No, why would I think that?


Salty Sam: Oh sorry, maybe it was just me (embarrassed). Have you heard about West Point's alternative service obligation for football players?


BC: Yes, I was surprised about that. It sounded like something Air Force would do.


Salty Sam: Ohhhhhh, you just called out Air Force and Army didn't you???


BC: Just kidding. Don't print that.


Salty Sam: No problem (wink, wink). What's the Dant like?


BC: Salty, are you trying to get me canned?


Salty Sam: Not really, just manufacturing controversies.


BC: I noticed.


Salty Sam: GoMids.com is having a tailgate party next week and I was wondering if you would do a keg stand for us alumni?

BC: I don't drink.

Salty Sam: OK, sorry. One last thing, how bad do Adam Ballard's feet smell?


BC: (laughing) Pretty bad.

Salty Sam: Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton. Thanks for your time.

Army Offers New Branch: Pro Sports

West Point, NY (WTF). The United States Military Academy recently announced that its athletes will be allowed to directly enter the NFL draft and other professional sports if eligible. Despite draconian deployments and extreme stress on the force, the Army has decided that sending cadets to the NFL and other pro sports is a good policy and will advance its recruiting and retention goals.

"I will burst with joy when I see a West Point graduate play in garbage time in an NFL game," said a sarcastic SSG Wilbur Jones of Fayetteville NC. "Then I will promptly re-enlist for my fourth tour in Iraq. Hoo-ah."

"Oh, I'm definitely going to join the Army now!" snipped HS senior Eric Johnson while blowing a raspberry into his fist.

"Navy is just jealous that they don't have any players that are going to be drafted in the 6th or 7th round," wrote one Army Football fan on an Army Sports website. Army leaders did not rule out other recruiting opportunities as well.

"If we can get a cadet on American Idol, that would be totally cool . . . or maybe one on the Apprentice, then we'd probably let them go after graduation," said an Army General who refused to be identified for this article.

"When you think about, the Army really doesn't need that many officers," General Lee Clueless told Salty Sam, "I think we can afford to let probably 200-250 graduates each year go professional in something other than the Army."