Navy To Acquire Floundering Air Force for $200 an Airman

Washington, DC (WTF). In a joint press conference today, Defense Secretary Bob Gates informed tax payers that the Department of the Navy has decided to acquire the Department of the Air Force. Given the recent spat of leadership gaffes and firings as well as incidents with losing nuclear switches and flaunting protocols, Gates took a page from the Federal Reserve and Treasury playbooks and asked the Department of the Navy to acquire the Air Force. After tense negotiations, the Air Force secretary and Chief of Staff agreed to a buyout that would equate to $200 per airman.

Gates elaborated further during the press conference: "I was just tired of constantly firing people in the Air Force. It was getting really old really quick. So I decided to let the Navy do it. They fire people pretty regularly."

General Norton Schwartz was publicly supportive of the deal, calling it "the right thing to do for our airmen and families. It just seems like the Navy is having a better decade. Perhaps we'll split off when we get our house in order, but until then we could use some help."

Navy officials were equally ecstatic. "This means bigger budgets and better golf courses!!!!" said almost every Navy Admiral and high falutin suit wearer present.

An Interview with Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton (fake interview)

On 10 April 2008, Salty Sam caught up with Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton. Well, not really...the whole interview was fabricated but here it is anyway.

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Salty Sam: Midn Captain Singleton or may I call you Zerbin or Zerb?


BC: Midn Captain Singleton is fine.


Salty Sam: OK. So congratulations on another great season, then being named Brigade Commander, then getting all those awards, and finally for just being a plain old bad @ss.


BC: Ummm, thanks Salty.


Salty Sam: Have you heard of Salty Sam before?


BC: No, but my company officer said that you existed a long time ago...like in the 1990s.


Salty Sam: You are correct sir. FYI, Salty Sam is basically the school rumor guy and a general pain in the "air force".


BC: Oh great.


Salty Sam: Let's get started. Have you seen Coach Johnson in his Georgia Tech duds yet?


BC: No I've been kind of busy these days.


Salty Sam: He kind of looks like Charlie Brown with all that yellow on.


BC: No comment Salty.


Salty Sam: "No comment" is technically a comment.


BC: Well, I'd like to think of Coach as a big bee that can sting. He's still a legend around here.


Salty Sam: Fair enough. How awesome was it to beat Notre Dame?


BC: Amazing. I can't put it into words.


Salty Sam: Did you think of shooting anyone when the refs called that bogus pass interference penalty before we won?


BC: No, why would I think that?


Salty Sam: Oh sorry, maybe it was just me (embarrassed). Have you heard about West Point's alternative service obligation for football players?


BC: Yes, I was surprised about that. It sounded like something Air Force would do.


Salty Sam: Ohhhhhh, you just called out Air Force and Army didn't you???


BC: Just kidding. Don't print that.


Salty Sam: No problem (wink, wink). What's the Dant like?


BC: Salty, are you trying to get me canned?


Salty Sam: Not really, just manufacturing controversies.


BC: I noticed.


Salty Sam: GoMids.com is having a tailgate party next week and I was wondering if you would do a keg stand for us alumni?

BC: I don't drink.

Salty Sam: OK, sorry. One last thing, how bad do Adam Ballard's feet smell?


BC: (laughing) Pretty bad.

Salty Sam: Midshipman Captain Zerbin Singleton. Thanks for your time.

Army Offers New Branch: Pro Sports

West Point, NY (WTF). The United States Military Academy recently announced that its athletes will be allowed to directly enter the NFL draft and other professional sports if eligible. Despite draconian deployments and extreme stress on the force, the Army has decided that sending cadets to the NFL and other pro sports is a good policy and will advance its recruiting and retention goals.

"I will burst with joy when I see a West Point graduate play in garbage time in an NFL game," said a sarcastic SSG Wilbur Jones of Fayetteville NC. "Then I will promptly re-enlist for my fourth tour in Iraq. Hoo-ah."

"Oh, I'm definitely going to join the Army now!" snipped HS senior Eric Johnson while blowing a raspberry into his fist.

"Navy is just jealous that they don't have any players that are going to be drafted in the 6th or 7th round," wrote one Army Football fan on an Army Sports website. Army leaders did not rule out other recruiting opportunities as well.

"If we can get a cadet on American Idol, that would be totally cool . . . or maybe one on the Apprentice, then we'd probably let them go after graduation," said an Army General who refused to be identified for this article.

"When you think about, the Army really doesn't need that many officers," General Lee Clueless told Salty Sam, "I think we can afford to let probably 200-250 graduates each year go professional in something other than the Army."

Obama to Release "Hope Bomb" All Over McCain

Steubenville, OH (WTF). In a conference call today, Barack Obama fired back at Republican presumptive nominee John McCain. Responding to reports that he was long on promises and short on nearly everything else, Obama told reporters that he will release a "Hope Bomb all over McCain" and "I'll run change circles around him". However, just to temper his comments, Obama said he'd toss in some "spirit sprinkles" to ward off any collateral damage done by the "Hope Bomb."

USNA Grads to McCain: "Please Win...We Need to Erase Carter Memories"

Annapolis, MD (WTF). The Naval Academy Alumni Association (NAAA) has a long history of remaining nonpartisan and above the fray in elections. However, this week its leadership announced that "for the love of all things Holy, we want Senator McCain to win. We just cannot stomach having Jimmy Carter as our only President."

Most Naval Academy alumni were supportive of NAAA's stance. A recent poll of USNA graduates revealed two things:

• 0% of grads can pronounce the new Football coach's surname
• 99% of grads want McCain win so we don't get harassed anymore

"You know, every West Point graduate points that out to me," said Jarvis "Bud" Dagney USNA '67. "I just can't stand having Carter as our only USNA president. Remember when he got attacked by that rabbit? Jeesh."

"I mean...we beat Notre Dame last year for crying out loud! 2008 is the year to get rid of the Carter legacy," piped a drunken Jim McFail USNA '88.

NAAA would not immediately return Salty's phone calls but the voice mail message yelled "MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK!"

Second Classmen Survey: Plebes still dumb

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week USNA administrators received the results of a targeted command climate survey. Not surprisingly, 55% of the USNA class of 2009 "strongly agreed" that the class of 2011 was "dumb" whereas 40% "strongly agreed" that 2011 was "physically weak and generally feckless." This marks the 162nd straight year that plebes have been dumb and many see the trend worsening.

"My plebes are so dumb that I cannot even stand doing come arounds anymore," said Midn 2/c Peter Jones of Lubbock, TX. "One of my plebes thought Hitler was a Roman general."

Academy officials plan to address the problem but are not overly concerned.

"We're looking into it," said veteran Dean Bill Miller. "But that's why we have 4 years to un-dumb the plebes. My first plan is to eliminate all Group III majors since they don't really help much."

But many plebes disagreed with the survey results.

"Well maybe if my second classman wasn't trying to hook up with my female classmates then we'd have more time for pro-dev," said one plebe who will remain anonymous.

Angry Lou Holtz to ESPN: "I Can't Pronounce Navy Football Names"

San Diego, CA (WTF). Lou Holtz is no stranger to controversy and broadcast mayhem. After hearing from ESPN that he would be part of the announcer crew for the Navy - Utah game, Holtz let out a loud guffaw.

"How am I supposed to pronounce that QBs name and now the head coach? This is just wrong," said a clearly tweeked Holtz.

This week Navy named Ken Niumatalolo as head coach and even many fans are still not able to pronounce his name.

During Navy's last ESPN game against PITT, Holtz so badly mangled Navy's names and its offensive system that it made for a difficult broadcast. At one point, Holtz went completely off the reservation and told Mark May that his surname Holtz meant "hard wood" which drew nervous laughter from his fellow announcers.

“Nobody’s sure where he was going with that,” said Navy announcer John Feinstein. “But I am glad I wasn’t sitting next to him.”