Second Classmen Survey: Plebes still dumb

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week USNA administrators received the results of a targeted command climate survey. Not surprisingly, 55% of the USNA class of 2009 "strongly agreed" that the class of 2011 was "dumb" whereas 40% "strongly agreed" that 2011 was "physically weak and generally feckless." This marks the 162nd straight year that plebes have been dumb and many see the trend worsening.

"My plebes are so dumb that I cannot even stand doing come arounds anymore," said Midn 2/c Peter Jones of Lubbock, TX. "One of my plebes thought Hitler was a Roman general."

Academy officials plan to address the problem but are not overly concerned.

"We're looking into it," said veteran Dean Bill Miller. "But that's why we have 4 years to un-dumb the plebes. My first plan is to eliminate all Group III majors since they don't really help much."

But many plebes disagreed with the survey results.

"Well maybe if my second classman wasn't trying to hook up with my female classmates then we'd have more time for pro-dev," said one plebe who will remain anonymous.

Angry Lou Holtz to ESPN: "I Can't Pronounce Navy Football Names"

San Diego, CA (WTF). Lou Holtz is no stranger to controversy and broadcast mayhem. After hearing from ESPN that he would be part of the announcer crew for the Navy - Utah game, Holtz let out a loud guffaw.

"How am I supposed to pronounce that QBs name and now the head coach? This is just wrong," said a clearly tweeked Holtz.

This week Navy named Ken Niumatalolo as head coach and even many fans are still not able to pronounce his name.

During Navy's last ESPN game against PITT, Holtz so badly mangled Navy's names and its offensive system that it made for a difficult broadcast. At one point, Holtz went completely off the reservation and told Mark May that his surname Holtz meant "hard wood" which drew nervous laughter from his fellow announcers.

“Nobody’s sure where he was going with that,” said Navy announcer John Feinstein. “But I am glad I wasn’t sitting next to him.”

God Accepts Head Coaching Job at Navy

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Shortly after Paul Johnson announced he was moving to Georgia Tech to become head coach, Navy AD Chet Gladchuck announced that Johnson's successor would be the Lord himself.

"I spoke to God a lot over the last few weeks and He agreed that if Paul left he'd take over as head coach," said Gladchuck. "God will bring a lot to the table and He will likely change the triple option to the infinite option."

Navy Sports reporter Bill Wagner said that God was unhappy with Johnson's decision but cited "free will" as his reason for allowing Johnson to leave Navy.

In an interview this afternoon, God said that He was looking out for Navy these last few years and felt compelled to finish His work. "Those last second kicks against AF and Duke, the missed PAT by Rice...that was Me" admitted the Lord.

Bush Appoints Navy Coach as Secretary of Offense

Washington DC (WTF). With rumors swirling that Coach Paul Johnson would head to another school to coach football, President Bush exercised his powers as CINC to appoint Coach Paul Johnson Secretary of Offense. The position is largely ceremonial but Coach Johnson will be expected to meet with the President once a year to discuss what President Bush called "high level strategery issues." Actor Chuck Norris was the front runner until this week when influential academy grads, including Sens. McCain and Webb convinced Bush to name Johnson.

"We needed to keep the coach in Annapolis and this was the only legal means to go it," said WH spokesperson Dana Perino.

When asked by Helen Thomas what a Secretary of Offense would do, Ms. Perino replied "the President hasn't nailed that down yet but he's working on it."