Second Classmen Survey: Plebes still dumb

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week USNA administrators received the results of a targeted command climate survey. Not surprisingly, 55% of the USNA class of 2009 "strongly agreed" that the class of 2011 was "dumb" whereas 40% "strongly agreed" that 2011 was "physically weak and generally feckless." This marks the 162nd straight year that plebes have been dumb and many see the trend worsening.

"My plebes are so dumb that I cannot even stand doing come arounds anymore," said Midn 2/c Peter Jones of Lubbock, TX. "One of my plebes thought Hitler was a Roman general."

Academy officials plan to address the problem but are not overly concerned.

"We're looking into it," said veteran Dean Bill Miller. "But that's why we have 4 years to un-dumb the plebes. My first plan is to eliminate all Group III majors since they don't really help much."

But many plebes disagreed with the survey results.

"Well maybe if my second classman wasn't trying to hook up with my female classmates then we'd have more time for pro-dev," said one plebe who will remain anonymous.

Angry Lou Holtz to ESPN: "I Can't Pronounce Navy Football Names"

San Diego, CA (WTF). Lou Holtz is no stranger to controversy and broadcast mayhem. After hearing from ESPN that he would be part of the announcer crew for the Navy - Utah game, Holtz let out a loud guffaw.

"How am I supposed to pronounce that QBs name and now the head coach? This is just wrong," said a clearly tweeked Holtz.

This week Navy named Ken Niumatalolo as head coach and even many fans are still not able to pronounce his name.

During Navy's last ESPN game against PITT, Holtz so badly mangled Navy's names and its offensive system that it made for a difficult broadcast. At one point, Holtz went completely off the reservation and told Mark May that his surname Holtz meant "hard wood" which drew nervous laughter from his fellow announcers.

“Nobody’s sure where he was going with that,” said Navy announcer John Feinstein. “But I am glad I wasn’t sitting next to him.”

God Accepts Head Coaching Job at Navy

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Shortly after Paul Johnson announced he was moving to Georgia Tech to become head coach, Navy AD Chet Gladchuck announced that Johnson's successor would be the Lord himself.

"I spoke to God a lot over the last few weeks and He agreed that if Paul left he'd take over as head coach," said Gladchuck. "God will bring a lot to the table and He will likely change the triple option to the infinite option."

Navy Sports reporter Bill Wagner said that God was unhappy with Johnson's decision but cited "free will" as his reason for allowing Johnson to leave Navy.

In an interview this afternoon, God said that He was looking out for Navy these last few years and felt compelled to finish His work. "Those last second kicks against AF and Duke, the missed PAT by Rice...that was Me" admitted the Lord.

Bush Appoints Navy Coach as Secretary of Offense

Washington DC (WTF). With rumors swirling that Coach Paul Johnson would head to another school to coach football, President Bush exercised his powers as CINC to appoint Coach Paul Johnson Secretary of Offense. The position is largely ceremonial but Coach Johnson will be expected to meet with the President once a year to discuss what President Bush called "high level strategery issues." Actor Chuck Norris was the front runner until this week when influential academy grads, including Sens. McCain and Webb convinced Bush to name Johnson.

"We needed to keep the coach in Annapolis and this was the only legal means to go it," said WH spokesperson Dana Perino.

When asked by Helen Thomas what a Secretary of Offense would do, Ms. Perino replied "the President hasn't nailed that down yet but he's working on it."

Possible SECDEF Opening has Navy Fans Concerned

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Ever since Paul Johnson turned Navy's football program around, his name has been constantly mentioned for other head coaching jobs by Navy fans, pundits, morons, and even giddy Air Force fans. This week, many Navy fans noticed that SECDEF Robert Gates will probably leave office in the next administration and that has caused a minor uproar among the Navy faithful on its gomids.com message board.

"No way PJ leaves for SECDEF," wrote PHATPHELIX on gomids.com. Other posters weren't so sure.

"I think with the right offer from DOD, PJ would be the SECDEF. But he'd probably try to screw AF out of our much deserved NDAA money," wrote crazy AF fan NABB3R.

Paul Johnson makes a habit of not responding to rumors about head coaching vacancies, but he has never commented on a job like this.

"If Paul wants to be the SECDEF, I'm not sure we could stop that," said a perspiring Navy AD Chet Gladchuk.

Top Gun still most annoying wardroom flick

Annapolis, MD (WTF). For the fifth consecutive year, Midshipmen voted the movie Top Gun as the Most Annoying Wardroom Flick. Some noted that the increase in negativity toward the movie indicates that even future airdales are tiring of the once worshipped movie.

"It just gets so damned played out," said Midn 1/c Jason "Smooth" Pyle of 13th Company. "I mean everytime I go into the wardroom somebody has it on. Or worse...somebody will quote Top Gun in a bar out in town. I hate that s*%t!"

But still, many future aviators cling to the movie like Saran Wrap. Its cult following, while diminished, is still very strong on the Yard.

Question: Which wardroom movie annoys you the most?

Top Gun 51%
Crimson Tide 24%
Blackhawk Down 11%
A Few Good Men 9%
Others 5%

Other Midshipmen have turned sour of Tom Cruise himself. "He was sooooo hot," explained Midn 2/c Ginny Scales of 4th Company. "But now he's one of those Scientology weirdos who believes that a spacecraft landed here and all that stuff. He's a freak now."

LT Bill Jones, Academy Public Affairs spokesman, told Salty Sam that he remembers Top Gun playing in the wardroom when he was a Midshipman. "That movie was almost looped in my wardroom. If it weren't for Friends and Seinfeld, I'd have never known anything else."

VADM Jeff Fowler, Academy Superintendent, is considering instituting an emergency Top Gun ban in all wardrooms until second semester.

CNO Unimpressed by Dant's Push Ups

Washington, DC (WTF). Sources inside the Pentagon have informed Salty Sam that former USNA Commandant and current CNO Admiral Gary Roughead sent a message to Academy Superintendent VADM Jeff Fowler -- tell the Commandant to do correct push ups or just stop doing them! A few Academy alumni, mostly Marines, expressed horror at the Dant's clearly awkward push up technique and form after Navy scores touchdowns.

"Jeepers, it looked like she was bobbing for apples," said retired Colonel Sam Brickhaus USMC and USNA '67. "She's scaring away potential Midshipmen."

"I've seen stronger arms on a slot machine," remarked CDR Dave "Ski" Sandkowski.

Former Navy SEAL and personal trainer Stew Smith agreed. "Yeah, you can't get away with that back bowing and head bobbing drill on national TV. It was ugly."

The Dant could not be reached for comment but several Mids saw her at the gym "sculpting her guns" like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

"She looked motivated," said one Midshipman who spoke to Salty on the condition of anonymity because he only has a 3.5 QPR. "She kept muttering that pain doesn't hurt."