Army Offers New Branch: Pro Sports

West Point, NY (WTF). The United States Military Academy recently announced that its athletes will be allowed to directly enter the NFL draft and other professional sports if eligible. Despite draconian deployments and extreme stress on the force, the Army has decided that sending cadets to the NFL and other pro sports is a good policy and will advance its recruiting and retention goals.

"I will burst with joy when I see a West Point graduate play in garbage time in an NFL game," said a sarcastic SSG Wilbur Jones of Fayetteville NC. "Then I will promptly re-enlist for my fourth tour in Iraq. Hoo-ah."

"Oh, I'm definitely going to join the Army now!" snipped HS senior Eric Johnson while blowing a raspberry into his fist.

"Navy is just jealous that they don't have any players that are going to be drafted in the 6th or 7th round," wrote one Army Football fan on an Army Sports website. Army leaders did not rule out other recruiting opportunities as well.

"If we can get a cadet on American Idol, that would be totally cool . . . or maybe one on the Apprentice, then we'd probably let them go after graduation," said an Army General who refused to be identified for this article.

"When you think about, the Army really doesn't need that many officers," General Lee Clueless told Salty Sam, "I think we can afford to let probably 200-250 graduates each year go professional in something other than the Army."

Obama to Release "Hope Bomb" All Over McCain

Steubenville, OH (WTF). In a conference call today, Barack Obama fired back at Republican presumptive nominee John McCain. Responding to reports that he was long on promises and short on nearly everything else, Obama told reporters that he will release a "Hope Bomb all over McCain" and "I'll run change circles around him". However, just to temper his comments, Obama said he'd toss in some "spirit sprinkles" to ward off any collateral damage done by the "Hope Bomb."

USNA Grads to McCain: "Please Win...We Need to Erase Carter Memories"

Annapolis, MD (WTF). The Naval Academy Alumni Association (NAAA) has a long history of remaining nonpartisan and above the fray in elections. However, this week its leadership announced that "for the love of all things Holy, we want Senator McCain to win. We just cannot stomach having Jimmy Carter as our only President."

Most Naval Academy alumni were supportive of NAAA's stance. A recent poll of USNA graduates revealed two things:

• 0% of grads can pronounce the new Football coach's surname
• 99% of grads want McCain win so we don't get harassed anymore

"You know, every West Point graduate points that out to me," said Jarvis "Bud" Dagney USNA '67. "I just can't stand having Carter as our only USNA president. Remember when he got attacked by that rabbit? Jeesh."

"I mean...we beat Notre Dame last year for crying out loud! 2008 is the year to get rid of the Carter legacy," piped a drunken Jim McFail USNA '88.

NAAA would not immediately return Salty's phone calls but the voice mail message yelled "MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK!"

Second Classmen Survey: Plebes still dumb

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week USNA administrators received the results of a targeted command climate survey. Not surprisingly, 55% of the USNA class of 2009 "strongly agreed" that the class of 2011 was "dumb" whereas 40% "strongly agreed" that 2011 was "physically weak and generally feckless." This marks the 162nd straight year that plebes have been dumb and many see the trend worsening.

"My plebes are so dumb that I cannot even stand doing come arounds anymore," said Midn 2/c Peter Jones of Lubbock, TX. "One of my plebes thought Hitler was a Roman general."

Academy officials plan to address the problem but are not overly concerned.

"We're looking into it," said veteran Dean Bill Miller. "But that's why we have 4 years to un-dumb the plebes. My first plan is to eliminate all Group III majors since they don't really help much."

But many plebes disagreed with the survey results.

"Well maybe if my second classman wasn't trying to hook up with my female classmates then we'd have more time for pro-dev," said one plebe who will remain anonymous.

Angry Lou Holtz to ESPN: "I Can't Pronounce Navy Football Names"

San Diego, CA (WTF). Lou Holtz is no stranger to controversy and broadcast mayhem. After hearing from ESPN that he would be part of the announcer crew for the Navy - Utah game, Holtz let out a loud guffaw.

"How am I supposed to pronounce that QBs name and now the head coach? This is just wrong," said a clearly tweeked Holtz.

This week Navy named Ken Niumatalolo as head coach and even many fans are still not able to pronounce his name.

During Navy's last ESPN game against PITT, Holtz so badly mangled Navy's names and its offensive system that it made for a difficult broadcast. At one point, Holtz went completely off the reservation and told Mark May that his surname Holtz meant "hard wood" which drew nervous laughter from his fellow announcers.

“Nobody’s sure where he was going with that,” said Navy announcer John Feinstein. “But I am glad I wasn’t sitting next to him.”

God Accepts Head Coaching Job at Navy

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Shortly after Paul Johnson announced he was moving to Georgia Tech to become head coach, Navy AD Chet Gladchuck announced that Johnson's successor would be the Lord himself.

"I spoke to God a lot over the last few weeks and He agreed that if Paul left he'd take over as head coach," said Gladchuck. "God will bring a lot to the table and He will likely change the triple option to the infinite option."

Navy Sports reporter Bill Wagner said that God was unhappy with Johnson's decision but cited "free will" as his reason for allowing Johnson to leave Navy.

In an interview this afternoon, God said that He was looking out for Navy these last few years and felt compelled to finish His work. "Those last second kicks against AF and Duke, the missed PAT by Rice...that was Me" admitted the Lord.

Bush Appoints Navy Coach as Secretary of Offense

Washington DC (WTF). With rumors swirling that Coach Paul Johnson would head to another school to coach football, President Bush exercised his powers as CINC to appoint Coach Paul Johnson Secretary of Offense. The position is largely ceremonial but Coach Johnson will be expected to meet with the President once a year to discuss what President Bush called "high level strategery issues." Actor Chuck Norris was the front runner until this week when influential academy grads, including Sens. McCain and Webb convinced Bush to name Johnson.

"We needed to keep the coach in Annapolis and this was the only legal means to go it," said WH spokesperson Dana Perino.

When asked by Helen Thomas what a Secretary of Offense would do, Ms. Perino replied "the President hasn't nailed that down yet but he's working on it."