Second Classmen Survey: Plebes still dumb

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week USNA administrators received the results of a targeted command climate survey. Not surprisingly, 55% of the USNA class of 2009 "strongly agreed" that the class of 2011 was "dumb" whereas 40% "strongly agreed" that 2011 was "physically weak and generally feckless." This marks the 162nd straight year that plebes have been dumb and many see the trend worsening.

"My plebes are so dumb that I cannot even stand doing come arounds anymore," said Midn 2/c Peter Jones of Lubbock, TX. "One of my plebes thought Hitler was a Roman general."

Academy officials plan to address the problem but are not overly concerned.

"We're looking into it," said veteran Dean Bill Miller. "But that's why we have 4 years to un-dumb the plebes. My first plan is to eliminate all Group III majors since they don't really help much."

But many plebes disagreed with the survey results.

"Well maybe if my second classman wasn't trying to hook up with my female classmates then we'd have more time for pro-dev," said one plebe who will remain anonymous.

Angry Lou Holtz to ESPN: "I Can't Pronounce Navy Football Names"

San Diego, CA (WTF). Lou Holtz is no stranger to controversy and broadcast mayhem. After hearing from ESPN that he would be part of the announcer crew for the Navy - Utah game, Holtz let out a loud guffaw.

"How am I supposed to pronounce that QBs name and now the head coach? This is just wrong," said a clearly tweeked Holtz.

This week Navy named Ken Niumatalolo as head coach and even many fans are still not able to pronounce his name.

During Navy's last ESPN game against PITT, Holtz so badly mangled Navy's names and its offensive system that it made for a difficult broadcast. At one point, Holtz went completely off the reservation and told Mark May that his surname Holtz meant "hard wood" which drew nervous laughter from his fellow announcers.

“Nobody’s sure where he was going with that,” said Navy announcer John Feinstein. “But I am glad I wasn’t sitting next to him.”

God Accepts Head Coaching Job at Navy

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Shortly after Paul Johnson announced he was moving to Georgia Tech to become head coach, Navy AD Chet Gladchuck announced that Johnson's successor would be the Lord himself.

"I spoke to God a lot over the last few weeks and He agreed that if Paul left he'd take over as head coach," said Gladchuck. "God will bring a lot to the table and He will likely change the triple option to the infinite option."

Navy Sports reporter Bill Wagner said that God was unhappy with Johnson's decision but cited "free will" as his reason for allowing Johnson to leave Navy.

In an interview this afternoon, God said that He was looking out for Navy these last few years and felt compelled to finish His work. "Those last second kicks against AF and Duke, the missed PAT by Rice...that was Me" admitted the Lord.

Bush Appoints Navy Coach as Secretary of Offense

Washington DC (WTF). With rumors swirling that Coach Paul Johnson would head to another school to coach football, President Bush exercised his powers as CINC to appoint Coach Paul Johnson Secretary of Offense. The position is largely ceremonial but Coach Johnson will be expected to meet with the President once a year to discuss what President Bush called "high level strategery issues." Actor Chuck Norris was the front runner until this week when influential academy grads, including Sens. McCain and Webb convinced Bush to name Johnson.

"We needed to keep the coach in Annapolis and this was the only legal means to go it," said WH spokesperson Dana Perino.

When asked by Helen Thomas what a Secretary of Offense would do, Ms. Perino replied "the President hasn't nailed that down yet but he's working on it."

Possible SECDEF Opening has Navy Fans Concerned

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Ever since Paul Johnson turned Navy's football program around, his name has been constantly mentioned for other head coaching jobs by Navy fans, pundits, morons, and even giddy Air Force fans. This week, many Navy fans noticed that SECDEF Robert Gates will probably leave office in the next administration and that has caused a minor uproar among the Navy faithful on its gomids.com message board.

"No way PJ leaves for SECDEF," wrote PHATPHELIX on gomids.com. Other posters weren't so sure.

"I think with the right offer from DOD, PJ would be the SECDEF. But he'd probably try to screw AF out of our much deserved NDAA money," wrote crazy AF fan NABB3R.

Paul Johnson makes a habit of not responding to rumors about head coaching vacancies, but he has never commented on a job like this.

"If Paul wants to be the SECDEF, I'm not sure we could stop that," said a perspiring Navy AD Chet Gladchuk.

Top Gun still most annoying wardroom flick

Annapolis, MD (WTF). For the fifth consecutive year, Midshipmen voted the movie Top Gun as the Most Annoying Wardroom Flick. Some noted that the increase in negativity toward the movie indicates that even future airdales are tiring of the once worshipped movie.

"It just gets so damned played out," said Midn 1/c Jason "Smooth" Pyle of 13th Company. "I mean everytime I go into the wardroom somebody has it on. Or worse...somebody will quote Top Gun in a bar out in town. I hate that s*%t!"

But still, many future aviators cling to the movie like Saran Wrap. Its cult following, while diminished, is still very strong on the Yard.

Question: Which wardroom movie annoys you the most?

Top Gun 51%
Crimson Tide 24%
Blackhawk Down 11%
A Few Good Men 9%
Others 5%

Other Midshipmen have turned sour of Tom Cruise himself. "He was sooooo hot," explained Midn 2/c Ginny Scales of 4th Company. "But now he's one of those Scientology weirdos who believes that a spacecraft landed here and all that stuff. He's a freak now."

LT Bill Jones, Academy Public Affairs spokesman, told Salty Sam that he remembers Top Gun playing in the wardroom when he was a Midshipman. "That movie was almost looped in my wardroom. If it weren't for Friends and Seinfeld, I'd have never known anything else."

VADM Jeff Fowler, Academy Superintendent, is considering instituting an emergency Top Gun ban in all wardrooms until second semester.

CNO Unimpressed by Dant's Push Ups

Washington, DC (WTF). Sources inside the Pentagon have informed Salty Sam that former USNA Commandant and current CNO Admiral Gary Roughead sent a message to Academy Superintendent VADM Jeff Fowler -- tell the Commandant to do correct push ups or just stop doing them! A few Academy alumni, mostly Marines, expressed horror at the Dant's clearly awkward push up technique and form after Navy scores touchdowns.

"Jeepers, it looked like she was bobbing for apples," said retired Colonel Sam Brickhaus USMC and USNA '67. "She's scaring away potential Midshipmen."

"I've seen stronger arms on a slot machine," remarked CDR Dave "Ski" Sandkowski.

Former Navy SEAL and personal trainer Stew Smith agreed. "Yeah, you can't get away with that back bowing and head bobbing drill on national TV. It was ugly."

The Dant could not be reached for comment but several Mids saw her at the gym "sculpting her guns" like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

"She looked motivated," said one Midshipman who spoke to Salty on the condition of anonymity because he only has a 3.5 QPR. "She kept muttering that pain doesn't hurt."

Former Navy Coach Flagged for Excessive Cliches

Monroe, LA (WTF). University of Louisiana-Monroe head coach (and former Navy head coach) Charlie Weatherbie received a stern warning today from the NCAA -- stop using ridiculous cliches when talking to the press or else. NCAA officials have kept a log of Weatherbie's tired and overused cliches like "we need to get after 'em", "there's no I in team" and "team beats talent any day of the week."

"To date we have counted some 533 times that Charlie has used those phrases in a public forum or a press conference," said Lester Jones of the NCAA. "We thought it was time reign him in a little."

Officials considered dropping the matter without action until Weatherbie told a crowd of ULM boosters that "this is the most spirited school I've ever coached at" which drew loud guffaws and audible snickers from ULM alumni.

"Didn't he coach at Navy?" said Jimmy Joe Detreaux. "That's an odd statement."

Weatherbie was not happy with the NCAA's verdict but added "they have the right to their opinion, this is America" which is kinda sorta another cliche.

Rumor: Carney Admits Navy Won Game

Colorado Springs, CO (WTF). AF Quarterback Shaun Carney has never been one to admit defeat. When he was a child and lost at Monopoly he would flip the board in a rage. As he got older, the Air Force quarterback's attitude hardened. Despite losing five years in a row to Navy, Carney and his teammates were certain that they were the better team despite the blindingly obvious trend...until now.

Sources inside the Air Force Falcons locker room say that they overheard Cadet Carney say to another player "Navy beat us this year." Apparently, the entire locker room overheard the blasphemous comment and jumped on Carney.

"If Fisher (DeBerry) would have heard that comment, Shaun would be off the team and/or scrubbing the sh*tters for days!" said an assistant coach. "We all know that this program has never lost a game to Navy or Army and that's the way we like it."

Air Force officials also quickly jumped to Carney's side saying that it "was a moment of weakness" and that nothing should be drawn from it to indicate Navy has won any games. Air Force players also showed a united front.

“We realized Navy didn’t really beat us, and that was huge for us to realize,” senior cornerback Carson Bird said. “They really didn’t beat us. We beat ourselves.”

In response, Navy Coach Paul Johnson is thinking of a new strategy for next year's game. "According to Air Force, they've beat themselves 5 years in a row. We're thinking of not showing for the game next year so they can beat themselves again. Hey, we'll take the win and it will give us more time to prepare for our next game."

Academy Commandant Explains Food Situation ... Again!

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Captain Margaret Klein, Academy Commandant, was forced to clarify remarks that she made regarding King Hall (aka Burger King Hall) and its alleged lack of food for Mids. Some Naval Academy boosters accused CAPT Klein of blaming the Mids for her obvious poor planning and ineptitude by claiming that Mids needed to exercise portion control.


"I may have misspoken," said CAPT Klein. "It's not like all Mids are a bunch of fatties trying to gorge themselves. Maybe just 50% are. I don't know."


CAPT Klein has decided to implement a Fowleresque "nuke solution" to what should have been an easy problem to solve. Sources close to the "Momandant" say that she has tasked the mathematics department with devising a formula to calculate exactly how many calories the average Mid needs to consume. One Academy spokesman said that the Math department should be done with its calculation by May and Mids will be fed by the next Ac Year.

Others, including alumni, think the problem is serious and needs immediate correction before it becomes more severe.

"The King Hall food situation is one of the reasons our football team is so much smaller than the other Div IA schools," noted former Navy fullback Omar Nelson.

New Nachos Rule has Supe Puzzled

Annapolis, MD (WTF). This week Naval Academy Superintendent and Morale Kommissar VADM Jeffrey Fowler fell for one of the oldest juvenile gags known to man -- the "nachos rule" question. One Midshipmen, who will remain nameless because he is already in deep sh*t with his company officer, sent an anonymous letter to VADM Fowler asking him why he changed the "nachos rule." The Supe then interruped mandatory study hall for 25 seconds to announce that the "nachos rule will remain the same and that everyone should just go about their business smartly."

MIDN 3/c Kyle Smart of 23d Company could not believe it. "Dude, the Supe just said Nachos rule over the 1MC! That's funny."

But future Brigade Commander and toolbox MIDN 2/c Ima Tightarse did not think it was funny. "It's totally unprofessional and I think someone should be fried."

The Supe also announced that liberty will not be granted even if Navy defeats a BCS team this year and/or Jesus Christ returns, which ever comes first.

Sportswriter Wagner Goes "Gundy" on Himself

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Annapolis Capital sportswriter Bill Wagner recently had a quasi-testy exchange with Navy Head Coach Paul Johnson. At issue was the perception that Coach Johnson blames players when things go poorly and takes credit when things go well. A mini-kerfuffle resulted when ESPN.com picked up on the non-story story and made a big deal of nothing. However, friends and colleagues of the Navy beat writer said that he has been especially tough on himself lately.

"Yesterday I saw Wags yelling at himself for no apparent reason after practice," said Navy Sports Information Director (and John Lovitz look alike) Scott Strasemeier. "We think he's okay, but I think this national scutiny might be getting to him a little."

One Navy assistant football coach who witnessed it was taken aback. "It was weird, he didn't like the question he asked Coach Johnson so he just tooled on himself like Chris Farley on SNL when he would do those celebrity interviews...it was awesome."

Bill Wagner did not immediately return calls from Salty Sam because Salty never called him in the first place.

Academy Plans to Build Rickover Statue

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Admiral Hyman G. Rickover, known by his friends and family as "Admiral Rickover", died many years ago but his legacy still lives on at the Naval Academy. VADM Fowler, Academy Supe, announced plans to build a statue of Admiral Rickover next to Tecumseh. Although Rickover already has a building named in his honor, the Academy Supe wanted to add even more to the already ridiculously overblown Admiral's legacy.

"I didn't like the idea of Tecumseh being the God of 2.0," explained VADM Fowler. "I wanted a God of 4.0 to recognize that 2.0 and 3.0 aren't good enough for USNA. Al Qaeda doesn't respect C students."

Some alumni were ecstatic. Former nuke and current president of Rickover's Nuclear Power League (Rickover's Nipple for short), Commander Cedric Forthright was ecstatic. Beaming with his coke bottle glasses and Star Trek reunion t-shirt, Forthright added "this is the happiest day of my life...except for when the space craft landed on Mars."

Other alumni were not impressed. "This is the dumbest thing I've heard since Rodney Rump changed the words to Blue & Gold," said retired Navy Captain Jethro Spivey of Savannah, GA.

Finally "Sat", Mid still has no liberty

Annapolis, MD (WTF). When MIDN 1/c James Jones of Boston, Ma. earned a 2.5 QPR last semester he was ecstatic. It was the first time he had ever been considered "Sat" under Academy academic regulations. "Sat" is Academy slang for satisfactory. "Unsat" is Academy slang for unsatisfactory. And BOHICA is Academy slang for...well...you know.

"Man, I busted my Fisher DeBerry to get a 2.5 and I still have no liberty," said a demoralized MIDN 1/c Jones. "I'm in like an existential funk right now. By the way, I learned the word existential last semester in my English elective."

Fellow companymate and roommate MIDN 1/c Sven Glossen was sad for Jones. "I know how hard he worked to get some liberty this year. The last thing he needed was more studying. It may very well kill him, but I'm not 100% sure about that so don't quote me on it. Ahhhh, go ahead and quote me on it."

MIDN 1/c Jones expressed increased pessimism at his lot in life. "Not only have these new rules dashed my freaking hopes, but the Red Sox are about to pull off another disastrous choke to the Yankees. The hits just keep on coming!!!!"

Trident Publishers Scramble to Correct Error

Annapolis, MD (WTF). USNA's school newspaper, The Trident, scrambled to correct an error in its most recent publication. The article, "Superintendent Lauds New Brigade Strippers", was gobbled up around the Yard within minutes. The article was meant to introduce the new brigade leadership, known as stripers, to the Brigade of Midshipmen. Unfortunately, a yeoman in the Public Affairs office "fat fingered the keyboard and nobody caught it" said an unidentified company officer.

"We knew something was up when Mids were stopping by the office to ask for a copy," said a representative in the USNA Public Affairs office. "Normally, The Trident just collects dust in Bancroft."

Initially, some Mids were pretty excited and saw this as a way to bolster Brigade morale. "It just goes to show you that whenever you get your hopes up, they are always dashed," said Midn 3/c Fusco of 13th Company. "The only true rumors are the bad ones."

Others thought it was humorous. "Man, I laughed my *ss off when I read that!" said Midn 1/c Nate "Big" Johnson of 2d Company. "I knew someone was going to get the green weenie for that blunder."

But Academy Superintendent VADM Jeffrey Fowler was not amused. To prevent such a problem in the future, the Superintendent has banned the use of the word striper on the Yard or at any official USNA function. "This will even include referring to striped bass fish as stripers."

Adam Ballard tired of being labeled "bruising"

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Adam Ballard, Navy's starting fullback, is tired of being referred to as "a bruising fullback" by the media, his friends, family, groupies, and nearly everyone in his hometown.

"It just gets annoying after a while," said Ballard, "the least they could do is mix it up a little bit. Use another word like dangerous, quick or speedy. It can be hard to get a date when every woman thinks you're going to lower your shoulders and bowl them over."

Coach Paul Johnson agreed somewhat with Ballard. "Nobody on this team should be called a flattering nickname right now. Not until we prove we can actually play a good game."

Former Navy fullback Omar Nelson, once known as the 'night train' said he had similar problems while playing at Navy. "Everybody used to call me big or burly or some weird adjective," explained Nelson, "and sometimes it gets annoying. But I was OK with it after a while."

Navy Supe mulls cancelling Army-Navy game

Annapolis, MD (WTF). VADM Fowler today issued a statement via his command judge advocate general (JAG) that the Academy is seriously considering cancelling this year's Army-Navy football game. VADM Fowler's statement explained that the game's proximity to final exams and the Christmas holiday was causing a lot of angst in the Brigade and might "serve as a distraction". He further explained that although the decision might be unpopular, his job is "not to do the popular thing but rather the right thing."

The Superintendent emphasized that this move was not unprecedented. "In 1917 and 1918, the Army-Navy game was not played due to WWI. What better way to reinforce the fact that we're at war than to cancel the Army-Navy game?" The Admiral's statement stressed that the decision was not final, but an Academy spokesman said "I wouldn't be booking any rooms in Baltimore if I were you."

Calls to the Admirals office were not immediately returned.

Naval Academy Crack Down Expands

Annapolis, MD (WTF): After a thorough review of the Naval Academy ’s current rules and regulations, Superintendent VADM Fowler has decided to further widen his crack down on Midshipmen activity. “We are a nation at war and we must act accordingly” said VADM Fowler. New restrictions will be placed on Christmas leave and summer leave periods; each will be shortened significantly. Also, Midshipmen must now submit videotaped footage of themselves studying earnestly each day in order to prove they are actually studying. Furthermore, pictures of Jessica Simpson and other pop culture icons will be considered contraband. The new policies, dubbed OPERATION FUN VACUUM, are an attempt to break any Midshipmen who is not fit to lead our country in the global war on terror (GWOT).

“We have a lot of intelligence that indicates Mids aren’t taking the new mandatory study hours as seriously as we expected,” explained Naval Academy Commandant CAPT Margaret Klein, “so we’ve decided to trust but verify their claims. I mean…you cannot have a new policy and not enforce it, right?”

Some Midshipmen disagreed. “I’ve been to war in Iraq twice. I even have the Bronze Star,” said one Midshipmen who served as a Marine Corporal in Iraq , “and I don’t think this would prepare me for Iraq …maybe a seminary but not Iraq .”

But VADM Fowler disagrees. “Our data shows that if Midshipmen study thermodynamics more, then they will be better officers in the GWOT because the war is both dynamic and kinetic (thermo). QED.”

This week, VADM Fowler will be evaluating Navy Football’s triple option offense to ensure that it is in keeping with OPERATION FUN VACUUM. A source close to the Superintendent said that the administration is concerned that the triple option gives Mids too many options and it can also be highly deceptive to the other schools—a possible honor concept violation.

“The Admiral is looking to consolidate the triple option to just a single option,” noted the source. “He doesn’t want to tell Coach Johnson how to run his team but he would like Coach Johnson to apply “Lean Six Sigma” principles to the offense.”