Sportswriter Wagner Goes "Gundy" on Himself

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Annapolis Capital sportswriter Bill Wagner recently had a quasi-testy exchange with Navy Head Coach Paul Johnson. At issue was the perception that Coach Johnson blames players when things go poorly and takes credit when things go well. A mini-kerfuffle resulted when ESPN.com picked up on the non-story story and made a big deal of nothing. However, friends and colleagues of the Navy beat writer said that he has been especially tough on himself lately.

"Yesterday I saw Wags yelling at himself for no apparent reason after practice," said Navy Sports Information Director (and John Lovitz look alike) Scott Strasemeier. "We think he's okay, but I think this national scutiny might be getting to him a little."

One Navy assistant football coach who witnessed it was taken aback. "It was weird, he didn't like the question he asked Coach Johnson so he just tooled on himself like Chris Farley on SNL when he would do those celebrity interviews...it was awesome."

Bill Wagner did not immediately return calls from Salty Sam because Salty never called him in the first place.

Academy Plans to Build Rickover Statue

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Admiral Hyman G. Rickover, known by his friends and family as "Admiral Rickover", died many years ago but his legacy still lives on at the Naval Academy. VADM Fowler, Academy Supe, announced plans to build a statue of Admiral Rickover next to Tecumseh. Although Rickover already has a building named in his honor, the Academy Supe wanted to add even more to the already ridiculously overblown Admiral's legacy.

"I didn't like the idea of Tecumseh being the God of 2.0," explained VADM Fowler. "I wanted a God of 4.0 to recognize that 2.0 and 3.0 aren't good enough for USNA. Al Qaeda doesn't respect C students."

Some alumni were ecstatic. Former nuke and current president of Rickover's Nuclear Power League (Rickover's Nipple for short), Commander Cedric Forthright was ecstatic. Beaming with his coke bottle glasses and Star Trek reunion t-shirt, Forthright added "this is the happiest day of my life...except for when the space craft landed on Mars."

Other alumni were not impressed. "This is the dumbest thing I've heard since Rodney Rump changed the words to Blue & Gold," said retired Navy Captain Jethro Spivey of Savannah, GA.

Finally "Sat", Mid still has no liberty

Annapolis, MD (WTF). When MIDN 1/c James Jones of Boston, Ma. earned a 2.5 QPR last semester he was ecstatic. It was the first time he had ever been considered "Sat" under Academy academic regulations. "Sat" is Academy slang for satisfactory. "Unsat" is Academy slang for unsatisfactory. And BOHICA is Academy slang for...well...you know.

"Man, I busted my Fisher DeBerry to get a 2.5 and I still have no liberty," said a demoralized MIDN 1/c Jones. "I'm in like an existential funk right now. By the way, I learned the word existential last semester in my English elective."

Fellow companymate and roommate MIDN 1/c Sven Glossen was sad for Jones. "I know how hard he worked to get some liberty this year. The last thing he needed was more studying. It may very well kill him, but I'm not 100% sure about that so don't quote me on it. Ahhhh, go ahead and quote me on it."

MIDN 1/c Jones expressed increased pessimism at his lot in life. "Not only have these new rules dashed my freaking hopes, but the Red Sox are about to pull off another disastrous choke to the Yankees. The hits just keep on coming!!!!"

Trident Publishers Scramble to Correct Error

Annapolis, MD (WTF). USNA's school newspaper, The Trident, scrambled to correct an error in its most recent publication. The article, "Superintendent Lauds New Brigade Strippers", was gobbled up around the Yard within minutes. The article was meant to introduce the new brigade leadership, known as stripers, to the Brigade of Midshipmen. Unfortunately, a yeoman in the Public Affairs office "fat fingered the keyboard and nobody caught it" said an unidentified company officer.

"We knew something was up when Mids were stopping by the office to ask for a copy," said a representative in the USNA Public Affairs office. "Normally, The Trident just collects dust in Bancroft."

Initially, some Mids were pretty excited and saw this as a way to bolster Brigade morale. "It just goes to show you that whenever you get your hopes up, they are always dashed," said Midn 3/c Fusco of 13th Company. "The only true rumors are the bad ones."

Others thought it was humorous. "Man, I laughed my *ss off when I read that!" said Midn 1/c Nate "Big" Johnson of 2d Company. "I knew someone was going to get the green weenie for that blunder."

But Academy Superintendent VADM Jeffrey Fowler was not amused. To prevent such a problem in the future, the Superintendent has banned the use of the word striper on the Yard or at any official USNA function. "This will even include referring to striped bass fish as stripers."

Adam Ballard tired of being labeled "bruising"

Annapolis, MD (WTF). Adam Ballard, Navy's starting fullback, is tired of being referred to as "a bruising fullback" by the media, his friends, family, groupies, and nearly everyone in his hometown.

"It just gets annoying after a while," said Ballard, "the least they could do is mix it up a little bit. Use another word like dangerous, quick or speedy. It can be hard to get a date when every woman thinks you're going to lower your shoulders and bowl them over."

Coach Paul Johnson agreed somewhat with Ballard. "Nobody on this team should be called a flattering nickname right now. Not until we prove we can actually play a good game."

Former Navy fullback Omar Nelson, once known as the 'night train' said he had similar problems while playing at Navy. "Everybody used to call me big or burly or some weird adjective," explained Nelson, "and sometimes it gets annoying. But I was OK with it after a while."

Navy Supe mulls cancelling Army-Navy game

Annapolis, MD (WTF). VADM Fowler today issued a statement via his command judge advocate general (JAG) that the Academy is seriously considering cancelling this year's Army-Navy football game. VADM Fowler's statement explained that the game's proximity to final exams and the Christmas holiday was causing a lot of angst in the Brigade and might "serve as a distraction". He further explained that although the decision might be unpopular, his job is "not to do the popular thing but rather the right thing."

The Superintendent emphasized that this move was not unprecedented. "In 1917 and 1918, the Army-Navy game was not played due to WWI. What better way to reinforce the fact that we're at war than to cancel the Army-Navy game?" The Admiral's statement stressed that the decision was not final, but an Academy spokesman said "I wouldn't be booking any rooms in Baltimore if I were you."

Calls to the Admirals office were not immediately returned.

Naval Academy Crack Down Expands

Annapolis, MD (WTF): After a thorough review of the Naval Academy ’s current rules and regulations, Superintendent VADM Fowler has decided to further widen his crack down on Midshipmen activity. “We are a nation at war and we must act accordingly” said VADM Fowler. New restrictions will be placed on Christmas leave and summer leave periods; each will be shortened significantly. Also, Midshipmen must now submit videotaped footage of themselves studying earnestly each day in order to prove they are actually studying. Furthermore, pictures of Jessica Simpson and other pop culture icons will be considered contraband. The new policies, dubbed OPERATION FUN VACUUM, are an attempt to break any Midshipmen who is not fit to lead our country in the global war on terror (GWOT).

“We have a lot of intelligence that indicates Mids aren’t taking the new mandatory study hours as seriously as we expected,” explained Naval Academy Commandant CAPT Margaret Klein, “so we’ve decided to trust but verify their claims. I mean…you cannot have a new policy and not enforce it, right?”

Some Midshipmen disagreed. “I’ve been to war in Iraq twice. I even have the Bronze Star,” said one Midshipmen who served as a Marine Corporal in Iraq , “and I don’t think this would prepare me for Iraq …maybe a seminary but not Iraq .”

But VADM Fowler disagrees. “Our data shows that if Midshipmen study thermodynamics more, then they will be better officers in the GWOT because the war is both dynamic and kinetic (thermo). QED.”

This week, VADM Fowler will be evaluating Navy Football’s triple option offense to ensure that it is in keeping with OPERATION FUN VACUUM. A source close to the Superintendent said that the administration is concerned that the triple option gives Mids too many options and it can also be highly deceptive to the other schools—a possible honor concept violation.

“The Admiral is looking to consolidate the triple option to just a single option,” noted the source. “He doesn’t want to tell Coach Johnson how to run his team but he would like Coach Johnson to apply “Lean Six Sigma” principles to the offense.”